Year In Review - 2011

The year is winding down, breathing it's last breaths as we begin to venture into the new year. And of course, no 2012 blog would be complete without a mention of the doomsday prophecies. However I am happy to inform my readers that I will be updating my year in review for 2012 bright and early on December 30th. I don't buy any of the hooplah. But I digress, I'm here to review this past year. So here we go!

In January we visited Pittsburgh to scope out wedding locales. I probably don't handle the shopping around part as well. By the end of it I was having a difficult time not just handing over the deposit and saying "Please. For the love of god just take it. I don't need to figure out if this carpet matches my dress or if the dias is too tall." Matt handled everything much more smoothly.

It was only at the very end, and I believe on a whim that we decided to check out the Holiday Inn Airport. "Yeah right," I'm thinking. "Like an airport hotel could ever have a decent place for a reception." On walking into their ballroom I stood corrected. The ceiling was a deep purple, the walls mirrored and the carpet smelled of cinnamon carpet cleaner. It was like finding a hidden gem in a pile of plastic jewels.

With the venues picked out, February and March cruised on by. Life didn't change too much beyond picking out a dress and gossiping with the girls about styles. Due to the stigma of bridesmaids hating what the bride chooses for them, I gave the style choices to my sister. All said and done we picked the perfect little black dresses, pin up hair styles and Chuck Taylor style sneakers. I couldn't have been a more loved bride if I'd paid them.

It's funny though, that when you ask a girl to be a bridesmaid and then give her a good deal of creative input into her outfit, just how confused she becomes. I must have received a dozen texts of "Is this ok?" and "I know you said I can choose my own flair but what does this mean??"

Everyone eventually settled into their styles and time crept on. As we entered May, Matt and I began considering gifts for the wedding party. Of course being me, I had to have a large wedding party. Call me crazy but it's just too hard to choose. Even with the choices I made I still found there were people I wished had been in the party but were not. I suppose I'll just have to do another one in five years as a vow renewal and make the party even bigger! We eventually agreed to six on each side. A good mix of school friends, Pittsburgh peeps and Boston friends with a couple of people added in from random gaming experiences. Plus two ushers...

Where was I? Oh yes. So June arrived and I don't think I've been excited for a whole month in my entire life. We packed up the kitties, drove to Pittsburgh and got ready for one of the biggest events of our lives. We'd decided on Dave & Busters co-ed bachelor/ette party. Given that I didn't have a lot of people coming in from out of town and the second stigma of the stag night, we just decided to have a big bonding night so those in the wedding party had a chance to say hello.

The following day was the rehearsal. By then everyone had arrived and we spent a lot of good time eating, doing the mock-up wedding and hanging out. Then Matt and I parted ways per tradition and I headed back to the hotel for some well deserved hot tub time.

This is the part where I sing the praises of my 'maids. From this point on, every little tiny thing I may have needed was handled quickly. Jenn Giddings for braving the fearsome unknown, men with a lust to impregnate her and the treacherous thunderstorm to find hose for my legs the following day. Mary Beth for bringing the energy and camera to document our morning together. Laura for being the tried and true friend as always, there with me as she always should be. Krystal who provided the witty morning banter that put us all into a good mood. Katie, who braved the den of not-well-known ladies to help me out when a friend had a crisis and could not make it. And my sister, who stepped up to the plate to represent my family when they were unable to attend. She did it all from giving me away to our dance. There's not one single person who could have done it better.

Ah, the morning of, when the girls came to my room, along with Janet and Allura, and we all got ready. I know I was nervous about some things but on the whole I was enveloped in a sense of peace. I had amazing girls there helping me to get ready, and every single one of them would have averted disaster if it had even tried to rear it's ugly head. With the gracious help of Matt's aunts we all headed to the chapel where, after a quick dive to escape seeing Matt, we got to the ready room. Here we lounged, prepped, posed and hugged as the big moment finally geared up fully. Some of the moments in that room will stay with me forever.

I recall the steps leading up as we lined up. I recall half laughing and half crying, and the comfort of my sister right next to me. The aisle, the vows, the sand, that was all well documented. I stayed pretty controlled until I had to talk. And of course seeing Dino over Matt's shoulder wiping his eyes often caused my throat to get a lump. I recall, as we stood there at one point, thinking that we were exceptionally blessed to have such great people with us.

And then it was off to the party bus! First stop was the McDonald's in Downtown Pittsburgh! We walked in owning the place and from that point on, the compliments became a steady stream. Nobody expects a wedding party! As we stood on the street for the smokers to grab a puff and the bus to come around, people stopped and snapped photos with us. They congratulated us everywhere we went. One lady who happened to stop and pose for a photo ended up being a friend of a friend of a boss, or something like that. She found us on facebook. And that's not even the cool part! Turns out she's an extra in the upcoming Batman movie as a nurse. Freakin awesome!

The next stop was the zoo where Matthew had gone to volunteer nearly every summer of his youth. What better way to kill the time? Now of course, through all of this was the phenomenal photographer Josh London, who perched himself on rails and defied death to capture some of the most awesome pictures I've seen in which I am also in the frame! Picture in a shark tube? Done. Picture in front of a scuba diver? Double done. There was nothing he couldn't do.

All through the zoo were 'Oohs' and 'awes' and congratulations yelled out. The Amish families stared unabashedly at us and I wonder if they feel like that all the time. And lets not forget Geoff and his intense Dippin Dots. But it was June after all, and the day was warm. Carrying a large dress left me ready for a nap. So it was back onto the bus.

Once again at the hotel/reception venue we parted ways to go to our rooms and whatnot. Matt and I sprawled on the bed with Laura and Jen and caught some Z's while Jenn kept the flowergirl occupied with Mary Beth and a rousing but quiet game of Panda Face.

A little freshening up and it was time for the reception. We headed to the second ready room of the day to feast on snacks and alcohol. Proper pre-gaming of course. The other wedding party also happened to be just down the hall, and got a real kick out of the kilts. They had arrived in firetrucks. I suppose it was a tie. (No way, our party kicked so much more ass).

We danced, we sang, we celebrated. Not a single dance went by with an empty dance floor. Family, friends, acquaintances... all were loved to fully that night. Rarely have I ever felt so much joy flood my heart, and felt the warmth of such amazing people.

The next morning it was off to the honeymoon, with cats in tow. We drove north to Higgins Lake, and after a bit of a rough first night, we had an amazing time. More family came up, and we spent a fantastic time bonding. One week after the official wedding, we had a beach handfasting, were everyone was barefoot (including my dad in a 3 piece suit) and had people watching from nearby docks. As we finished the ceremony int he warmth of the June sun, I looked at Matt, looked at the cool promise of the water and we both dove in!

That would have been funny as it was, but then my sister, Laura and my father all jumped in fully clothed as well and we walked back to shore grinning. It is possibly my most favorite moment out of all of it. I had to swim back out to deeper water in order to take off the water-logged gown and change into a swimsuit, as the dress was just too heavy to slog through the water below hip level. It was intense. It was amazing. It is something I will never forget.

After the honeymoon, we came home and quickly set to fixing up home. The cats became Murphys as well and many of the gifts we got were put to good use. In July our good friend Kristy came up to visit and we had a fantastic time showing her around the East Coast. Texas may be nice, but New England is the bomb diggity, yo! (Yeah I said it.)

August and September flew by, and by October the tides had shifted again. Shortly after my father went in for heart surgery, I was fired from my job at Best Buy. It was a bit of a blow, but in retrospect it's for the better. I was miserable, a scapegoat for all that was being done wrong, and there was very little joy left in it for me. I wasn't sleeping well, I wasn't feeling good and Matt and I had been fighting an amazing amount. No one should have to work in a pressure cooker.

To escape the disappointment, I went to the Ren Faire with Josh and Krystal and Matt. I never know why I doubt things will be fun. Josh is like my little brother now and Krystal can be one of the most amusing people to spend a day with. She even gave me her old chemise which is now in my wardrobe for future use.  Jen came to visit as well and before she left I'd found what I wanted to do with myself.

Come November I had a decent job again, this time as far from a place like Best Buy as you can get. Barely more than a mom and pop shop, the comic book store is no stress, fascinating and enjoyable. Who cares if you work long hours when you actually enjoy it?

Our first Thanksgiving was full of good food and togetherness. Work went well and things started looking up again. I missed a lot of my friends from work, but once the holiday hubbub settles I see us staying in close contact.As a side note, it was completely refreshing not to have to deal with Black Friday this year. They have been pushing it to extremes and I'm really rather sick of it.

Christmas for us was small but fun. An Xbox 360 with Kinect crowned our gifts this year, with plenty of cards and packages sent as well. Candles from mum and Aunt Kim, figurines and chocolate from Kristy and a few of the Wiccan items I've been lusting after for years from Matt. Plus a few small things to boot.

Good haul, happier day. Now with New Years fast approaching, it's looking like 2011 was a pretty good year overall. We lived, we laughed, we loved, and we shared it all with some of the most beautiful people I can think of. What will next year bring? Who knows. Who cares? It'll be epic no matter what it is. So thanks for staying tuned, and I hope that by my next review, I have even bigger stories to tell. Love you all so much!

~Jewel

The Intricacies Of Love

So my dear brother Dino decided to lift the lid on my love life. And now I'm here to shed some light on it's contents. Where do I begin? For the purposes of this blog I'm only going to touch on the relationships that lasted more than a month, and that were full on romantic endeavors. The little adventures into One-Night-Standville, or Desperately-Seeking-Company-For-A-Week Town will not be discussed here.

So let me start with high school and Robert Kagle. My first, real boyfriend. I was a senior when he was a junior. I don't even really remember how we met other than I think he was a satellite friend of a friend of my best friend Autumn. He hung out and I guess he never left. He was what you'd call a player. Usually dangled half a dozen girls as girlfriends. He was after me and I had no interest.

He came over to my house religiously. Every night after school he was there, sitting on my couch and convincing me why I needed a boyfriend. I believe on one of these nights he said "I broke up with my last two girls. I'm focused soley on getting you." Oh be still my beating heart.

But then this weird thing happened. It was Valentine's Day, and to be cruel I dressed in a short black skirt, midriff baring top and wore more dramatic make up to go to a friend's party. He was there and his jaw hit the floor. I mingled, I ignored him. He caught me as they started the music and he kissed me and I decided 'What the hell?' I'm cute, he's cute, we'd make a good couple and everyone was sick of me shutting him down. We dated for months. He pushed for sex but, being the virgin I was, I wouldn't. "Not until I have a ring on my finger..."

Oh how those words would haunt me. We got ready for the prom, or in Teen Land 'The most epicly important night of the year ever'. In the weeks before prom, he showed up to my house with a gift. A promise ring. He slid it on my finger and I thought 'This is it! This is how it always happens in the movies!'. Oh... poor naive little me.

We went to prom, matched to the nines in crimson and black. (I SWEAR I wasn't goth) And then back to my house for the after party where my friends and their dates crashed on the giant sectional couch we called The Playpen (so dubbed because you could make a giant square out of them filled with pillows and blankets). Again he pushed for sex. Again I said no. I was nervous (Of course I was! All around me my friends were getting pregnant. I didn't want that yet).

Within hours of waking up the next day, he dumped me. Straight up, thanks-for-nothing-babe, see ya, dumped me. I was devastated. Beyond that I was sick. I covered my bedroom windows with sheets, and laid on the floor. This went by for an entire summer. I nearly quit school. There's a picture of me somewhere in my cap and gown, posing with my friend Laura, and I look like a mess. I never stopped crying. This was the summer of '99.

So it's the end of summer. My parents drag me on the family vacation to the East Coast in some sort of weird foreshadowing of my future. I roam Salem, Boston and Rockport and start to come out of my funk. If only I'd known just how much I'd have to go through before I'd walk through Salem again.

I returned home and my arm was twisted to head up town. I usually avoided it because Rob drove an electric blue Dodge Dakota and I hated seeing it. Hated knowing he was with some other girl now. Hated that I was left with a fire burning. Our town was small, with one main strip where the teens drove cars, stood in groups or jammed out in tailgates of trucks. The movie theater parking lot was the place to be.

I was sitting there, minding my own business while people harassed me about all the weight I'd lost (thank you oh so much Mr. Depression) when a truck pulled up. I'd seen it around, but never really cared. In it was this kid named Jason, and he was looking at me. I'd give everything in my possession to have begged off as sick and not come to town that night.

Jason was kinda cute in a rough way. His nails were short and greasy from cars (this was not uncommon where I'm from) and his clothes were cute in a 'Oh look, he still wears Tazmanian Devil shirts.' I invited him to see a move with me (The Sixth Sense) and he jumped out of his truck.

The attention he gave me was like a balm on my wound. He held my hand, he whispered in my ear, he brought me small presents. He knew I had been burned, and that was his in. I barely recall much of the beginning. I was still in that depressed state, but having him there was bringing me out. It all went so fast. Within a week of meeting him, he took my virginity, more because I was deathly afraid he'd leave if I didn't. And you know what they say about the firsts. Years later you might look back at it and shrug but right after it happens you feel a huge connection. Or at least I did. I thought that meant love.

He proposed, and within 8 months of our first date we were married. I still can't believe that when I type it. I hadn't even known him a full year when I took his name. And even by then the nightmare had begun.

First it was words. Then it was random soft objects thrown at me. Then hands. For three and a half years he waged a battle on my self worth and my soul. I can remember thinking to myself "If this is marriage, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life."

Speed forward to 2003. The worst year of my life. I woke up on my birthday to find my bed on fire. I suffered smoke inhalation and worked an 8 hour shift in a factory anyway because Jason forbid me to take time off. In July, my brother and maternal grandmother died within 3 days of each other and sent my spinning world crashing all around me. When my friends tried to rally around me, Jason held a gun to my head and nearly ended me.

I gathered up all my courage and kicked him out, filing for the papers with shaking hands. It was awful! His mother blamed me, his friends took naked pictures of me that Jason had taken while I was sleeping and spread them around town. Everything I owned was repossessed when it came to light that he'd taken my hard earned money and spent it on a stripper named Echo. I was brought to nothing, stripped of every possible material thing. And then, my factory was shut down.

Jobless, loveless and carless, I drifted again, in and out of my mind. But this time I didn't look for what I was missing in the world. I looked for it inside myself. Around this time I decided to hang out with my freshly divorced cousin Derek. He had his own place so I'd go over to crash and hang out, and just generally commiserate.

He had a computer and this program that he was always on. mIRC. Internet Relay Chat. A game called 9 Kingdoms. I joined up, but never really played. It was a medieval setting and it wasn't really my "thing". I'm post-apocalyptic. Good lord I swear I'm not GOTH!

Anyway, I met this girl named Staci there. At the time, Derek was trying to hook up with Staci (who also lived in Michigan) and she had her own game. InterCity. Post-apoc. Perfect. So I joined hers too. Things bewteen her and Derek crumbled but I was already in by that point. And there was this guy named Siegfried there. He was different in that he wasn't seeking attention. I remember he asked me if I actually believe in ghosts. That was the first question he ever asked me.

Time went by and we talked more. I found we had a lot in common. Then we exchanged numbers. We'd talk on the phone. We started dating. And yeah, internet dating is fucking weird. It takes everything about traditional dating and throws it out the window. In October of 2004, I got a plane ticket and flew to New York City. By myself. For the first time ever.

I was nervous, I was scared, I was excited. By the time I landed and found my way to baggage claim, I was a bundle of fear and joy. Then I saw him. Now, I thought I'd been in love before. I thought I understood all there was about the heart. But I saw him, and everything just melted away. Was it love at first sight? No. But it was damn good chemistry. Love came later. But I understood from the moment I saw him that this was a chance at something real.

I've always felt people have more than one soul mate in their lives. I have had this kind of moment with other people who are in my life but not in a romantic way. My sister is my soul mate. Matthew is my soul mate. Laura, who has grown with me through all of this is a soul mate. Even when I met Dino for the first time. Every moment after then has been an affirmation of "meant to be". We were meant to be friends, and I will always believe that.

Rob and Jason were lessons for me in this life. To love and to let go. To value myself as I am, not as others find me. They formed the path to Matt and our life together now. Is it a fairytale? Fuck no.

A week after flying home from meeting Matt, he dumped me. Would anyone have blamed me for throwing in the towel and joining a convent? No. Did I? Hell no. Instead, I met Jamie.

Again, feeling hurt there's this guy who shows up and says nice things. He acts nice to me and it was what I wanted to hear. But, thanks to having prior experience, when the crazy showed up two weeks in I broke it off. Unfortunately he wasn't down with that and it took me months to get him out of my life. But by then Matt and I were talking again.

Is love ever some simple thing? No. Is love at first sight real? Not at all. Do some people get lucky and only have one love? Yep. My mom and dad are divorcees. They got married months after meeting each other and have been together nearly 40 years. Sometimes that shit just works out. Sometimes it just doesn't.


Being married for the second time isn't about being the perfect wife anymore. It's not about making sure things go the way they are expected to. It's about enjoying my time with him, and rolling with punches together.

I think a lot of people who marry young wind up in amazing second marriages because they learn a lot of things the hard way the first time around. What they want, what they don't want, and what it's really all about. Some have the good fortune of making a high school sweetheart a silver haired partner. Others marry three or four times before they figure it out. Some, never get it.

Does it matter in the end how your relationship compares to others? Nope. In the end sometimes you gotta just tune out the noise, look at the one you love and just let yourself exist in the moment.

8 years gone by

How does that seem like so long ago and yet just like yesterday? You were so vibrant and full of life. Everyone's friend, even if you sometimes felt alone. You said "screw it" to convention and forged your own path, often through the mud. We fought sometimes, usually small squabbles.. but there was that really big fight we had in the driveway. It was twilight, my favorite time of the day and the uv rays made your white shirt glow. We screamed at each other, surrounded by farm fields on a summer's night. I don't even remember what is was about, I just know that when I think about it, I would give anything to stop mid-sentence and just hug you. Just lay all of this down and feel you hug me again.

It's eight years now since I kissed the foot of your whiskey soaked coffin., the gray/silver enamel glinting under the hot July sun while people stood around in black, sweating and numb. I can still feel Jean's tears burning into my shoulder. That is one moment in my entire life that I hold close, when she turned and clung to me and cried. If I can say anything good of that day, it is that one moment in time, when she needed me and I needed her.

There's so much I wish you could see now. Every time I go to Pittsburgh, I run the old routes you took through the Pennsylvania turnpike. Every time I pass Breezewood, I hear you. For just a moment, every truck on the road is yours, every driver is you. I wish them all safe journeys home quietly in my head. I sometimes wonder if they have a kid sister too.

Sometimes, when I'm dreaming, I see you. You're sitting at a table and looking at me, just chilling there like you're waiting patiently. I see you. I smile. I wave or sometimes and turn my head. And then it hits me. You're gone. This is my one chance to tell you, to say what I've held onto for so long. To tell you that I love you, and that I always have. That I always will. To apologize, to make things right, to stop feeling so damn guilty. But you're gone. You fade, or you disappear instantly. I try to talk but the words won't budge. I wake up with a lump in my throat and pray that some day I'll get it together.

It's raining outside. I got married last month and you would have been there. I wish you had been there. I wish you were here. I miss you. I love you. And I'm sorry.

Ten Days

How do I begin to describe the thoughts going around in my head? Where do I begin? How do you describe something that feels like a mixture of fear and awe?

My brother passed away exactly 10 days after he turned 31. Ten days. For me, that's this upcoming monday, April 18th. How in name of all I hold dear could I ever fathom my life being over now? I was 23 when he was gone, an age that is easily taken for granted. Now, being here, I can fully appreciate all of the potential of which he was robbed.

Kids, happiness, growing old, these things he will never know. And to be approaching that is to get a better understanding of the loss. I don't consider myself old by any means. I'm not ancient or past any sort of prime. I have a lot ahead of me, and to think of it ending in less then a couple of days is so unreal. And for him, that's the reality.

I've carried him with me through all of this. Sometimes it's like he's right here, like I'll feel someone in the room with me and can't stop myself from saying his name as though asking him if he's there. I want him to be there.

A single point of data does not a line make. I know that. I *know* I'm not going to die on Monday. It's just... knowing he did. Being able to fully comprehend that. Being able to see how much was cut short, and to contemplate it.

I've always feared this day. The memories it dregs up, the ones already bubbling to the surface. It takes me down paths I usually avoid. What would happen if I did? Would people carry on as we do about Chris? Would there be blog posts seven years later about what it all means?

Life can be funny and cruel and all kinds of bizarre. I can only hope I get to experience more of it.

On Turning 31

I tried to write something poignant about how Chris passed ten days after turning 31. I depressed myself and have no desire to share it. Instead... dramatic squirrel. Or hamster. Or whatever it is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1Y73sPHKxw

Enjoy.

"Schumph" and gaming

So.. there's quite a bit on my mind tonight. Past and future have always pulled on my heart like twin suns on a planet. For every great thing pulling me forward, there's an equal memory tugging me back. Most of the time I am oblivious to this and live my life, but there are rare nights when I feel it keenly. Tonight is such a night.

With all the wedding planning going on, I have felt like a ship tossed at sea. Which reception hall is the best? Which will not kill our pocketbook? How am I ever going to get this done in five months? Why did I not insist on Elvis in Vegas? But then I stepped foot in Heinz Chapel. My breath was gone. It's the perfect place to begin my next life. Mrs. Murphy. How many times had I dreamed of this? To stand there and know I would be occupying that same spot in only a few more months was... magic.

And while we've been scouting sites, I've gotten to know my future mother-in-law well. I picked up her mannerisms, her inflections and find them cute. Then imitated them to Matt later on and we talked about the Pittsburgh accent and the way she gets so animated in explaining things. I can see us having coffee on the weekends just talking about life. Just let her ramble while I listen, and memorize quirks.

These things pull me forward. Always forward. Next step, next plan, next thought. But tonight I had the past cropping up and tugging. It's old news that my friends and I back home have all sort of been scattered to the wind. Some of us remain in small clusters, but a lot of gone off to other places. Specifically my gaming friends. The ones I used to LARP with (is my nerd showing?).

Over late dinner with Jon, we broke out the gaming conversation. I find sometimes this causes me to miss all of my friends so very much. And it struck me somewhere around laughing about a common friend named Fish that Jon is some sort of composite of all the best things of my friends. Not to say my friends are by far replaced, but he's like some... gaming guru who doesn't think I'm lame for wanting to join the boys' club.

And just like that my past let go. If we move to Pittsburgh, and I seriously hope we do within the next year, then I would be extremely happy. Matt would be elated to be with his friends, and I could get a good chance to get to know them. No pretentious airs, no masks. And I could find that piece of me again.

And if a few of those friends wanted to migrate to Pittsburgh, well... I'd leave a light on. Just like old times. (Are you hearing the siren call yet?)