My Sunshine

I woke early this morning to the yowling of my beloved companion Avalon. I knew something was wrong, but it wasn't until I rushed out and discovered her on the carpet that my husband and I realized just how wrong. Her back legs were stretched out behind her and she was panting in pain. After a  cursory check from Matt to see if she'd suffered a spinal injury, we loaded her into the cat carrier and sped to the Emergency Vet Clinic 20 minutes away.

We must have sat in the room while they checked her out for an eternity. But I've grown up with cats. Barn cats, house cats, you name it, and have dealt with every issue and illness that could befall them. I knew this was not going to be an easy choice, and I found myself having to decide.

It came back that she had a blood clot that had landed in her back and cut off circulation to her legs. Further, she was in heart failure, and struggling to keep her breath. There was no guarantee she'd ever be well enough to leave the hospital. Even less surety that she wouldn't have another clot break free soon and this time it might lodge in her brain.

I struggled with my choice... because 12 years ago...

I saw her in this old barn. My ex-husband had dragged me there to look at a trailer to haul one of his many junker project cars. She had a whole litter of brothers and sisters just like her, but she was the one who was too fat to run away. I picked her up, and that was the end of it. She came home with me.

I named her Avalon, because I'd just read the book "Mists of Avalon" and her grey fur reminded me of mists. I wasn't going to go with the common Misty, even if it is cute. Avalon struck me as her perfect name. And so began a close friendship, a companionship that is as responsible for making me who I am today as any other friendship in my life.

We weathered the whole shebang together. When Jason took his anger out on me, it was Avalon who snuggled to my side. When I was at my loneliest, she was the one who curled up by my head and purred to let me know it'd be alright. When we lost everything, she and I slept together on the floor.

My fondest memories with her in Michigan are when my cancer scare came up. For three months between diagnosis and surgery, she would curl up on my chest, bury her face in the crook of my neck and we'd just try to get through the harder moments together.

I would sing "You Are My Sunshine" to her, because when it got dark, she always shone a little light in, reminding me that life and love are always around.

When Matt came like a brave knight valiant to sweep me off my feet, he swept Avalon right along with me. He didn't have to love her as I did, but he did. After men who kicked her or belittled her, he gave her a soft hand, warm food, and a home for both of us. The look of adoration in her eyes when she curled up with him is proof of that. She loved him just as much in return.

And so it was that Matt took care of us both in the hospital today. He held her in a blanket as we said our goodbyes. He held her as the vet gave the final shot. I couldn't even be in there when it happened, but he was. He stayed with her just like he promised the both of us. When I came back in the room, I cried into her fur one more time and sang our song.

She will be cremated and her ashes placed in an urn. I can't bear to leave her here when her family and her life will move away in a year. Today wasn't goodbye forever. It's just goodbye for right now.

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray

You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away

The other night, dear
As I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you
In my arms
But when I woke, dear
I was mistaken
And I hung my head
And I cried.

RIP Avalon Murphy